Selfless Love

When the Bible says “the two shall become one” (Matt. 19:5), it is not saying that each person in a marriage must lose their individuality. Instead, it means that each person, while maintaining their own autonomy, unselfishly surrenders themselves to the other freely and happily.

Sadly, many relationships today have become the opposite—either selfish or transactional. They selfishly ask, “What can I get out of this relationship?” They demand from their spouse what they want without reciprocating. Or they may become transactional, giving to their spouse only to selfishly get what they want in return.

To have healthy relationships, we must begin with a biblical view of what God intended them to be.

First, Scripture reveals to us how love works: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19, NIV). Love awakens love. In other words, we are able to love selflessly only after we have first seen and experienced God’s love for us. Only after God initiates love are we then able to respond in kind. Without experiencing His love first, we are incapable of truly loving selflessly. This truth is foundational for relationships to work.

Yes, we can love others with human love. But we must recognize that God’s love and human love are as different as the heavens are higher than the earth. Human love tends to be transactional and selfish, while God’s love is selfless and nontransactional.

God’s Love: The Standard for Marriages

Love within a marriage relationship is special. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25), Paul instructs. The relationship between a husband and a wife should be patterned after the relationship between God and His people. How did Christ love us? He loved us by initiating the relationship and giving His life to redeem us. When we truly see the love God has for us, we want to respond with appreciation and give Him our hearts.

Our surrender to God is not something to be forced. God does not force submission. Instead, the gospel is about us seeing and experiencing God’s love first, then responding to His love through joyful surrender and submission.

Understanding this is crucial because our view of God will ultimately shape how we treat our spouse. If my Christian experience is about forcing myself to submit to God because “it’s the right thing to do,” without first experiencing His love, I may see nothing wrong with demanding that my wife simply “obey” me without winning her heart first. But if God wins my heart with love first, and I respond to His love and understand that my task is to win my wife’s heart with love, then she will willingly surrender her heart to me with love. If we follow this gospel theme in relationships, we will then be able to fulfill the scripture of “submitting to one another in the fear of God” (Eph. 5:21).

What does this look like practically? In a relationship or marriage centered on God’s love, the man doesn’t approach the woman with demands. He is not asking “What can I get?” but instead “What can I give?” Like Jesus, he is willing to lay down his life so that his partner may flourish. When a woman is loved this way—without pressure, fear, or manipulation—she is free to respond, not out of obligation, but out of love. If a woman feels emotionally safe and secure in her husband’s love, she is able to trust him with her surrendered heart.

Overcoming the Transactional Motif

Selfish love harms healthy relationships, and transactional love harms romantic relationships because it is driven by fear. The latter believes, “I must do something first before I can receive love.” A person with this mindset often fears they have not done enough to be “worthy” of another person’s love. This leads them to fear that they are never good enough or deserving. Or they may feel the opposite: because they did things for their spouse, they are entitled to their spouse’s love. And when they don’t receive the response they expect, they become disappointed and even angry. These unhealthy behavioral patterns create all kinds of chaos in marriages.

Our image of God will ultimately shape how we treat our spouse.

The other side of a transactional love mindset also believes, “Others must do something first before they receive something from me.” They may feel that their spouse didn’t do enough to earn their love, which leads them to fear that their spouse doesn’t love them enough. Or they may feel their spouse did enough to earn their love, but now they feel as though they must repay their spouse because they “owe them.” Sadly, this performance-based mindset is very prevalent and is the reason so many relationships are falling apart today.

In talking about love and fear, Scripture says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Notice that the Bible doesn’t just say that love casts out fear; it says that “perfect love” casts out fear. And what is this “perfect love”? It is God’s “perfect love.” In other words, only God’s “perfect love” has the power to cast out the fear in our lives. Imperfect human love has no power to do so. A wrong understanding or a lack of God’s “perfect love” leaves us susceptible to fear.

 “Perfect love” does have the power to drive out fear. But the reverse is also true: “Perfect love” can also be driven out by the presence of fear. Let’s take, for example, a newly wed couple that, out of love for one another, chooses to surrender their wishes to please each other. But what if one spouse angrily rebukes the other for meals not being on time? The spouse who is yelled at may find fear replacing love as their motivation to prepare meals on time. Where once love was the motivator, fear now reigns.

You can see how relationships that start with love-driven submission can shift to fear-driven obedience. Fear has the power to kill love.

True Sexual Intimacy

Fear, likewise, will stifle sexual intimacy. There cannot be true sexual intimacy if either partner doesn’t feel physically or emotionally safe in the relationship. True sexual intimacy is an act of trust and submission. It is the giving of the most intimate part of yourself to a person you trust with all your heart.

Sexual intimacy is not only the surrendering of your physical body to your spouse, but also a supernatural coming together of the two becoming one. If either spouse doesn’t feel emotionally or spiritually safe in the relationship, it will hinder them from giving themselves fully through sexual intimacy. But if a person trusts and feels safe with their spouse, they will willingly surrender fully, resulting in the most intimate experience for the couple.

Sadly, the opposite is also true. Forcing your spouse—or forcing yourself—to give in sexually because “it is the right thing to do” is contrary to the gospel. God does want us to surrender to Him, but He never forces us to submit, even though it is the right thing to do.

It is only when each partner shows unselfish and nontransactional love to the other, and when they feel safe in each other’s love, that sexual intimacy will be experienced to its fullest. Just as God invites us into a safe relationship with Him as the foundation of spiritual intimacy with us, so should we show unselfish, nontransactional love to our spouses so they can feel safe with us.

But we cannot give what we do not possess. We can give nontransactional, unselfish love to our spouse only if we have first experienced God’s unselfish, nontransactional love for us. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19, NIV). When we possess this “perfect love,” we will be able to reflect the same love to our spouse. This will make them feel safe and secure in our love for them, inspiring a mutual, willing submission and physical, emotional, and spiritual unity. This is God’s gospel plan for sexual intimacy in our marriages today.

A Reflection of Him

This oneness experienced in a marriage is very special. In fact, this love and unity within a marriage will have a positive effect on those who see it. Through this “perfect love” people will get a glimpse of God’s character. They will learn that God’s love is not a forced love—He does not force His people to serve Him out of duty or obligation, but draws them to Himself with lovingkindness—and our love for God is a surrender made completely out of free will. They will see that those who trust their hearts to God are completely free and fully happy. This is true evangelism—a gospel-focused marriage is an “epistle . . . known and read by all men” (2 Cor. 3:2).

Let God’s love change the way you treat your spouse. Don’t try to control them or make them obey you. Instead, lead with kindness, humility, and real love. When we truly understand how much God loves us, we build marriages filled with trust, respect, joy, and love for each other.

I want the freedom and happiness that this “perfect love” brings from my relationship with God and with my spouse. How about you?