Aware Without Scare

According to Anna Salter in the book Predators, “one in three girls and one in six boys will have sexual contact with an adult. . . . The Department of Justice estimates that on average, there is one child molester per square mile.”[*] These alarming statistics on the prevalence of sexual abuse of children should make every one of us watchful over the children in our lives.

How can we face reality without living in unhealthy hypervigilance?

As difficult as it was for me to heal from childhood sexual abuse, parenting my four children has made me grateful for the scars. If I had not been abused myself, I might have been too naive to protect my children well. Instead, through my own experience and research, I have discovered and now teach strategies that significantly diminish children’s risk of sexual abuse.

The following principles have helped me give my children a carefree childhood while balancing freedom with appropriate watchfulness.

Teach Children to Have a Healthy Relationship With Their Bodies

“Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own” (1 Cor. 6:19).

My husband laughingly recalls his shock at overhearing me bathing our toddler boys and saying, “Who made your little nose? Who made your little ears? Who made your little penis?” Giggling, they responded each time, “Jesus!” I explained to my husband that someday our children would hear private body parts called “dirty” or otherwise referred to negatively. I wanted their first impression of all of their God-given body parts to be positive. Children need to know that as image bearers of God, every part of their bodies is holy.

Because sexual predators often use coded language to conceal abuse, it’s also essential that children learn the proper names for body parts. This helps them to distinguish between helpful and harmful touch and report inappropriate touch accurately if necessary.

Talk Openly About Sensitive Sexual Topics

John 8:32 tells us, “The truth shall make you free.” Suppressing disclosure of abuse is deeply damaging to children. It is critical that they be able to open up to trusted caregivers.

Even very young children often have an instinctive understanding that some kinds of touch are wrong. They may sense that the abuser is fearful or ashamed, or realize these parts are usually covered by underwear and swimsuits for a reason. Predators often threaten harm or warn victims that something bad will happen if they tell. They may make the child promise not to tell and give the impression that the child will become a liar if they talk about what happened. And sadly, the vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by people whom children love and trust. Victims may fear that loved ones will suffer consequences, and they may even fear losing the relationship. Children may think that they themselves will be punished if anyone finds out. These and many other reasons may lead them to be silent about abuse.

Wise families prepare children for such situations by reading books about safe and unsafe touch, having recurrent conversations about what to do in scenarios of unhealthy touch, and learning to recognize and watch for signs of abuse.

When my children were very young, I frequently asked them routine safety questions when they returned from short absences. “Did you have fun? Who was there? Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable?” I made sure their Pathfinder leaders were well educated on safety and followed strict protection policies. Even so, I had these check-in conversations after Pathfinder campouts and other events when they were away from my presence.

“You [God] desire truth in the inward parts” (Ps. 51:6). Watching and listening carefully to our children’s responses may help us discern if something inappropriate has happened. Sudden onset of fears, regression, bedwetting, sexualized behavior, or other warning signs should lead us to observe closely and ask more questions immediately.

I also frequently reminded my children that they had the right to politely say no to unwanted touch, even from adults they would normally be required to obey. I even helped them practice forcefully refusing if persistent adults demanded contact, such as hugs, after the children had already politely declined.

Predators often test children to identify victims they can abuse without detection. They often intentionally target vulnerable children who seem isolated from parents or peers. The simple realization that a child is close to significant caregivers is enough to deter many potential abusers. Children who appear confident enough to refuse unwanted affection may also get crossed off an abuser’s list. Even more important, this confidence helps children know when and how to report anything inappropriate.

Children should learn early on that only medical professionals and significant caregivers are allowed to touch their private parts, and even then, only under specific circumstances.

Keeping the lines of communication open is one of the most critical safety guidelines, both for preventing abuse and for bringing healing afterward if something happens. We always made a point of telling our children they could ask us any question and receive an honest answer on sexuality or other topics. Talk about sexuality in positive ways and tell your kids to ask you anything. Ideally, read good books and initiate tough conversations yourself!

Protect Children From Introduction to Polluted Views of Sexuality

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Ps. 51:10).

Exposure to sexualized movies, music, and social media is growing at alarming rates. Even more terrifyingly, children are being introduced to pornography at younger and younger ages, with devastating results. Internet filters and services like Bark and Gabb can help keep phone use safe for children and youth and assist parents in monitoring dangerous activity. Self-control and wisdom in utilizing technology should be continually taught and modeled.

Whatever methods are chosen for protection, it is critical that children’s access to media be limited and consistently monitored. Even one experience of witnessing corrupt sexual expression can deeply and negatively impact a young mind.

Talk with your child instead of just at your child, ask God for guidance at every turn, and listen to the Spirit.

When my children were young, they were not allowed to use any technology without adult supervision. Personally, I preferred to sit beside them whenever they accessed the internet. To my alarm, I discovered that pornographic sites intentionally try to lure children in through seemingly harmless searches for topics like hamsters or American Girl dolls. Some people might consider my approaches to protecting my children from media impractical, but I felt that keeping them safe was worth the sacrifice of my time. Even better, our time together afforded opportunities to explore their interests with them.

Sadly, in this super-sexualized world, it is not a matter of if children will be exposed to inappropriate sexual content,but when. Accordingly, I talked with my children about what to do when harmful material surfaced. “Someday somebody’s going to show you something,” I warned them, “or something will pop up on a computer screen. The first thing to do is look away or turn it off. But even if you don’t look away, just talk with us about it.” I explained addiction and repeatedly assured them that I would not be angry even if they watched something inappropriate. Secrecy is a breeding ground for shame and addiction, and children need to know how to open up to trusted adults instead of letting evil fester.

Avoid Sleepovers and Other Potentially Risky Settings

“Now that I’ve gone to academy and heard other girls’ stories, I’m so glad you never let me go to sleepovers!” my friend’s daughter recently told her.

Much of parenting requires boldly utilizing a zoomed-out perspective on risks and consequences that our children may not yet grasp. Accordingly, sometimes we simply have to make unpopular decisions. Of course our children don’t want to miss out on the fun times “everyone else” is enjoying, so we must prayerfully find a balance that fits their age and stage of development.

When our children do go to gatherings without us present, it is wise to have prearranged “code words” they can use to alert us of discomfort and even ask for emergency pickup. If the conversation or entertainment spirals in an unhealthy direction, we should be ready to pick up our children early, with excuses, if necessary, to prevent their embarrassment.

Sometimes creative solutions are possible. Once, when my daughter was invited to a sleepover birthday party, I went along too. She played with the other girls until 11:00 p.m., and then she and I went to sleep in a separate room while the other girls continued partying all night.

“A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished” (Prov. 22:3). While we can’t possibly avoid every risky situation to which our children are exposed, we can “be wise as serpents and harmlessas doves” (Matt. 10:16). Talk with your child instead of just at your child, ask God for guidance at every turn, and listen to the Spirit.

Rather Than Overprotecting, Teach Children Healthy, Shame-Free Responses to Abuse

Constant hypervigilance regarding potential abuse can lead children to live in terror that they will be permanently defiled if someone touches them inappropriately. Though sexual abuse is tragic, it does not destroy a person’s potential to live in joyful freedom. And though abuse is often preventable, there are situations in which no amount of vigilance can foil an abuser. Furthermore, children who are never allowed out of their parents’ sight may actually be less resilient if abuse happens. Shame or fear of overreaction may lead victims to hide instead of reporting if someone touches them inappropriately.

So while it is appropriate to warn children about abuse and be watchful regarding dangerous situations, we must also make sure our children know that they can never be defiled by someone else’s sin against them. Even if someone abuses them, God promises both healing and eventual justice.

My childhood sexual abuse hasn’t made any negative impact in my marriage, as far as I can tell. In fact, my husband’s continued affirmation that he did not see me as damaged goods further enriched my understanding of God’s perspective. When God first called me to publicly share my testimony of healing from sexual abuse, however, I deeply feared others would see me as permanently stained. The sense that others might perceive me as damaged ran deep, but my longing for others to discover the healing I had experienced drove me to speak out anyway.

If abuse happens, children need supportive adults to stand up for them and help them report and pursue justice. Seeking to bring consequences to abusers is the most loving response; if an abuser can be led to repentance, it is usually through accountability. Even if they are unwilling to repent, the pursuit of justice helps prevent them from accessing other potential victims.

Unfortunately, because of a variety of factors, sexual predators are often not held accountable by the justice system. But our goal in reporting must always be to do what is right—seeking justice to the best of our ability, even if that justice may be denied in this world.

Take Refuge in God’s Justice and Mercy

“Sweetie, what would you do if a bad person tried to touch your private parts?” I asked my chubby-cheeked son as I tucked him into bed one night.

“I would tell you!” he assured me.

“What if I wasn’t there?” I challenged.

“I would tell the po-weece!” he chirped sweetly.

“Good!” I affirmed. “But what if the police couldn’t catch the bad person?”

My son looked up at me confidently. “Then God would get him!”

This brief exchange brought profound peace to my heart. I knew that as long as my precious little one maintained that confidence in God, he would be able to heal from anything I might not be able to prevent from happening to him.

God is just, so it is the nature of sin to be unjust. In a world of sin, bad things happen. But pain is not our real enemy—sin is. God’s love is the perfect blend of justice and mercy. In every situation, He gives just the right amount of each one in order to bring about the most good. Our job is to “do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly” (Micah 6:8) with our God, trusting that He will make it right in the end.

Taking refuge in the justice of God enables survivors to forgive and heal. God has promised that He will reward every man according to his works (see Rev. 22:12). Abuse victims can heal as they trust that God will give justice someday and will do a far better job than they ever could.

For further study, I highly recommend books such as The Well-Armored Child: A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Sexual Abuse, by Joelle Casteix, and Predators, by Anna Salter.

[*] Anna C. Salter, Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and Other Sex Offenders (New York: Basic Books, 2004), p. ix.