Who Should I Marry?

Q. I’m a young adult professional in my early 30s and unmarried. I’m not opposed to marriage, but finding the right person is not an easy accomplishment. The older women at church are especially after me to get married. Sometimes I wonder if they think I can simply go out to the store and purchase a husband. Seriously though, what’s the best way to find the right spouse?

A. Finding a compatible spouse who shares your values is a significant challenge, especially for those in their early 30s who may feel increasing pressure to settle down. To be sure, the Bible offers several principles for finding a well-suited spouse:

1. Seek God First. Matthew 6:33 advises, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” This suggests that prioritizing your relationship with God can lead to fulfillment in other areas of life, including marriage.

2. Equally Yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 warns against being “unequally yoked with unbelievers.” This emphasizes the importance of shared faith and values in a marriage relationship.

3. Character Over Appearance. 1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us that “people look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” This encourages focusing on a potential partner’s character and values rather than superficial attributes.

4. Wisdom in Choice. Proverbs 31 describes the virtues of a noble spouse, emphasizing qualities like integrity, industriousness, and kindness. This provides a framework for evaluating potential partners.

5. Love and Respect. Ephesians 5:33 instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, highlighting the importance of mutual care and consideration in marriage.

By leaning into God’s will, you can confidently and clearly approach this important life decision.

Below are a few complementary psychological insights:

1. Attachment Styles. Understanding your own attachment style (secure, anxious, or avoidant) and seeking a partner with a compatible style can lead to a more stable relationship.

2. Emotional Intelligence. Partners with high emotional intelligence tend to have better communication skills and empathy, leading to stronger relationships.

3. Shared Values. Research shows that couples with aligned core values tend to have more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships.

4. Compatibility in Conflict Resolution. How couples handle disagreements is a strong predictor of relationship success. Look for someone who can engage in healthy conflict resolution.

5. Similar Interests. While not essential, shared interests can provide common ground and shared experiences that strengthen a relationship.

We encourage you to pray a prayer like Hannah’s (1 Sam. 1). Submit yourself completely to God’s will, and He will lead you and hold you (Ps. 139:10). It is also OK not to get married, as long as you continue to stay close to Jesus and purpose to live within His will for your life.

In the end, finding a compatible spouse who shares your values involves much prayer, self-reflection, and practical action. By leaning into God’s will, you can confidently and clearly approach this important life decision. Remember God’s promise in Psalms 84:11: “…No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

You remain in our prayers.