When Love Feels Lost

Q. My husband and I have three children under the age of 5. Although we are happy to have them and deeply love our children, our marriage relationship has felt less connected since their arrival. We have been stretched to the limit in our time, energies, and resources, and spend more time being angry at each other than enjoying moments of contentment together. We want our marriage to remain vibrant and viable. Please help.

A. Parenting brings profound joy but can also strain even the strongest marriages. The demands of raising children often leave couples with little time for their relationship, yet maintaining a healthy marriage remains vital—not only for the couple but for their children’s well-being.

Scripture emphasizes the priority of the marital relationship for a healthy family life. Genesis establishes marriage as the first human relationship, with husband and wife becoming “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). This bond precedes the parent-child relationship chronologically and often in priority. The Bible portrays marriage as a covenant relationship reflecting Christ’s love for the church (Eph. 5:25-33), suggesting that nurturing this relationship honors God’s design.

Throughout Scripture we see instruction for spouses to honor, cherish, and remain devoted to one another. Proverbs 5:18, 19, encourages husbands to “rejoice with the wife of your youth” and remain captivated by her love. Even in the middle of parenting responsibilities, the Bible reminds us that the marital foundation supports the entire family structure.

Psychology confirms what Scripture teaches—that prioritizing marriage benefits the entire family system. Research consistently shows that marital satisfaction strongly predicts family well-being and children’s adjustment. Children who witness healthy marital relationships develop secure attachment styles and better emotional regulation.

Studies show that couples who maintain regular date nights, private conversations, and shared interests during child-rearing years report higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower divorce rates.

The psychological concept of “oxygen mask parenting” applies here—just as airline safety instructions direct adults to secure their own oxygen masks before helping children, parents must nurture their relationship to care for their children effectively. When the marriage suffers, parenting effectiveness often declines.

Sociologists observe that modern parenting culture often idealizes child-centered families where children’s needs consistently supersede marital needs. Research, however, indicates this approach may produce short-term benefits but long-term challenges for both marriage and child development.

Studies show that couples who maintain regular date nights, private conversations, and shared interests during child-rearing years report higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower divorce rates. These practices create a “couple bubble” that protects the relationship amid the demands of parenting.

Here are three important takeaways to maintain a strong and healthy marriage relationship while parenting young children:

1. Intentionally prioritize couple time: Schedule regular uninterrupted time together. Even 15 minutes of focused connection daily can sustain intimacy. Protect date nights as sacred appointments.

2. Maintain a united front in parenting: Develop shared parenting values and approaches, discussing differences privately rather than undermining each other in front of the children.

3. Practice gratitude and affirmation: Express appreciation daily for specific actions your spouse takes in parenting and marriage.

As you manage the beautiful but challenging journey of raising children together, remember the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 4:12: “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” When God remains the third strand woven through your marriage, the relationship gains resilience to withstand parenting challenges while growing stronger through shared purpose and love.

You are in our prayers. Remain encouraged and faithful!